Don't Think
Don't think that, just because I understand, I care. [DECEMBER 30 2007]

The American Dream
"The good thing about the American dream is that you can always go back to sleep." —Michael Scott, from "The Office," Oct. 18, 2007. [NOVEMBER 27 2007]

Excel
Microsoft Excel can quantify any number of things, but it can't quantify the deep sense of emptiness and meaningless I feel each time I open it. [NOVEMBER 26 2007]

Understanding
I want to understand people. I love asking people questions--even ridiculous and inappropriate questions--just to hear them answer. I want to understand their ideas, and the reasons for their ideas.

Mostly, though, I don't care--at all--whether or not I agree with their ideas. I don't care whether someone is Muslim or Buddhist or Christian, atheist or agnostic. I don't care whether someone is gay or straight, pro-life or pro-choice. I don't care whether someone prefers dogs or cats, pizza or ice cream. I just want to hear their reasons.

It's purely selfish. I don't care about anyone's opinion, really---I just want to rest assured that they've thought about it. Given it a little mulling over, you know? I want to comfort myself with the idea that other people actually research, meditate, think.

Remember Adlai Stevenson's response to a voter who gushed, "You have the vote of every thinking American!"  "Then I'm Doomed," he replied. [NOVEMBER 25 2007]

Precision
I pass by endless people, their hair perfectly coifed and styled and gelled and sprayed in place, their makeup applied with surgical precision, their clothes professionally tailored to hug the contours of their bodies in the most flattering ways. I know that, even after a million years---even for a million dollars---I could never be one of these people who spend so much time and energy and concern on my appearance. More tragic? Some days I really wish I could be. If one more woman says to me, "You could be so beautiful if you just tried!"...well, I don't know what. I'll probably do nothing. [NOVEMBER 24 2007]

People
Hardly a person can pass me without sparking wonder in me. How happy are they? What do they think about? Worry about? Are they satisfied with their lives? Do they have regrets? Do they like their jobs? Their spouses? Their parents? Their homes? Do they wish for more from their lives, and how do they define that "more"? What are they thinking about on those nights they lie awake?

Perhaps (in fact, very likely) I've made their lives more complex in my mind than they actually are. Perhaps most people don't think about this kind of stuff, just float through the world without giving that world—or their place in it—much thought. Perhaps they've accepted, or even embraced, their "lot in life" and don't worry about those kinds of things. Perhaps they just turn up the television and forget. [NOVEMBER 23 2007]

Things I Won't Miss about "Real Jobs" When I'm a Best-Selling Author

1. Buzzing alarm clocks that each morning announce a slow and certain doom.
2. Corporate people.
3. Enthusiastic coworkers who really care and get excited about policies and procedures and where the winter party will be held.
4. Padded, institutionally-gray cube walls.
5. The ever-present hum of flourescent lights and computers.
6. Monochromatic pain schemes.
7. Corporate memos.
8. Uncomfortably stiff work clothes.
9. Uncomfortably stiff chairs.
10. Tapping keyboards.
11. Overheard hallway conversations that derail all possibility of productivity.
12. Choruses of different telephone ringtones, with similarly unhappy and unpleasant voices answering them. [NOVEMBER 21 2007]

Writers
Writers are naturally more introspective than other people. Something about the act of writing forces you to own—to claim—your idea. And before you put pen to paper, you want to make sure you're claiming the right idea. So writers think, and re-think, and dwell, and ponder, and compare—in ways that few other people do. They learn this is necessary for writing, but carry it with them through all aspects of their lives.

This introspection often makes writers more sensitve and introverted than other groups. It's easy to ignore unwritten ideas. You just turn up the television or call a friend, and effectively forget, numb your brain, and stop thinking about it.

But writing it—having it on paper to stare you in the face—forces you to own it, to continue the introspection until some resolution is achieved.

Instead of feeling cursed and weighed down by a brain that makes me "think too much," I should learn to embrace that brain as the thing that will allow me to write. [NOVEMBER 20 2007]

Hooray!!! Ryan and Lyndsey Davis
Congrats to the best newlyweds in the world! My little brother's wedding was this weekend; was a beautiful day and a fantastic time. Here are some of the photos Mike and I took. And here are some of my favorite photos from the big day...

[NOVEMBER 4 2007]

Dog Party Photos
Sorry for the delay...here are the 2007 dog party photos. Enjoy! And sincerest apologies to the FABULOUS MS. SUGAR, whose beauty, tragically, was never captured on film this day. Oh, poor baby Sugar.

Post-Surgery Update
It's been 6 days. I've got my cast on, and things are going okay. Can't drive until I'm done with pain meds, so I'm pretty much bored and house-bound at this point. That's okay, since all I do is lay around and sleep all day anyway.

Here are my before and after X-ray photos. They used a screw in my right toe this time, instead of a pin (like they did with the left foot), since the pin wasn't holding things together perfectly. Just think: after tomorrow, it's only 9 more weeks--that's just 2 months and 1 week!--until I can walk again.

And here's a photo of my new and improved left foot, next to my soon-to-be-new-and-improved right foot, the morning of surgery. I know that my feet are gross and embarassing, but the difference is really impressive to me, so I'll share it with you:

[SEPTEMBER 27 2007]

Short-Term Dual-Shoes
I'm walking in my tennis shoe, officially as of last Monday, September 3. It's nice. What's not-so-nice? I've got surgery scheduled for my right foot (my driving foot!) on September 21. Less than 2 weeks left of "real" walking. I don't feel too emotionally prepared to do this all over again, but I think it's a smart decision to do it right away. Just get it over with, right?

Can anyone offer any advice for driving? Are the next 2 weeks enough time to practice driving "left-footed," or will I need to figure out alternative forms of transportation? Either way, I think it'll be quite a pain in the butt. Oh well. [SEPTEMBER 10 2007]

My Dogs are Smart!

Rachel the Song-Writer
I'm a little embarassed to be posting this, but I'm doing it by popular demand. If you hang out with me regularly and know the song "Hey There Delilah," then you've probably heard the version I wrote. When people hear it, they laugh and laugh—and always want to memorize the lyrics. It matches 100% with the original version, but it's written for my puppy dogs. I'm embarassed that I've written such a thing, but it's okay: I wrote it when I first had surgery and was bored out of my mind—so I've got a decent excuse for being so pathetic. Anyway, turn on "Hey There Delilah" and sing my own version. It's pretty good. [SEPTEMBER 8 2007]

* * * * *

Hey handsome Finny: You’re my favorite grunting red dog.
You make me smile every day even though you are quite a bed hog.
Yes, it’s true. Queen size don’t mean a thing to you.
What will I do?

Hey little Lucky: You’re my skinny cuddlin’ princess
Even though you spray your anus and it makes such a stinky mess.
Lucky girl. Little Blue Eye with her tail curl.
Why must you hurl?

Oh, Lucks and Finny. Oh, Finn and Lucky.
Oh, Lucks and Finny. Oh, Finn and Lucky. Finn and Lucky.

Hey cutest Finny: You’re a needy kiss machine.
You only cuddle when you want to, otherwise you get so mean.
You grunt and groan. Sometimes you’d rather chew your bone,
Not wear your cone.

Hey sweetest Lucky: I know you’re a little shy,
But you know I will always pet you, love you, kiss your little eyes.
We’ll play and play. Tennis balls and squeakers every day.
What do you say?

Oh, Lucks and Finny. Oh, Finn and Lucky.
Oh, Lucks and Finny. Oh, Finn and Lucky.

Well Lucks and Finn are pretty good, but they’d cause trouble if they could.
They’re plotting in that breezeway every day.
Waiting for the day to come when they’ll grow opposable thumbs
and open treat jars, cupboards, doors, and gates.
Well puppers, I can promise you, that though the time’s long overdue
You’ll never get that treat jar figured out. Go ahead and pout.

Hey Lucks and Finny: You be good, and listen to me.
I love you more than the sky and earth and sun and rain and city.
Yes I do. No dogs could be as cute as you.
You can do whatever you want to.
Hey little cuteheads, here’s to you.
This one’s for you.

Oh, Lucks and Finny. Oh, Finn and Lucky.
Oh, Lucks and Finny. Oh, Finn and Lucky.

NewsAlert: Official Re-Launch of "F" Word Announced, after Short Hiatus
Today I went to lunch with a girlfriend from work. I parked in my rightfully-assigned handicapped space, which is valid through the end of October. If you remember, I've spent the last 3 months with a cast and crutches, and am now down to my final days with a surgical boot.

There was an older gentleman (I use the word VERY loosely; in fact, I'm playing opposites) standing on the sidewalk. The following conversation ensued:

IGNORANT SELF-RIGHTEOUS BASTARD: "Another one cheating the system, huh?"
SWEET LITTLE OLD ME: "What?!"
IGNORANT SELF-RIGHTEOUS BASTARD: "You don't look that handicapped to me!"

This is where the "F" word reclaimed its place in my vocabulary. Because I'm such a sweetheart, I did not say it out loud, but it echoed loudly in my mind. Who the hell does this idiot think he is? Do people with heart conditions or pacemakers--who show no outward signs of physical disability--get these same comments from him? And do they feel the same need to justify themselves to him? For a moment, I felt compelled to explain to this man--even as I wore my surgical boot--that I am rightfully in need of handicapped parking. And why? It's none of his dirty stinking business. What an ignorant asshole. [AUGUST 30 2007]

Speechless.

[AUGUST 28 2007]

5 Overlooked "Good Things" about Wearing Just One Shoe
(1) Sock laundry cut in half.
(2) Wear and tear on only one shoe.
(3) Cute new toes peek out of surgical boot.
(4) Less time tying those pesky tennis shoe knots.
(5) Automatic excuse to wear one comfortable tennis shoe, instead of dress shoes. When people see that surgical boot, they'll forgive any foot-fashion-faus-pax. [AUGUST 26 2007]

I Know It's Old, but I Still Love It
Jon Stewart could make me believe in love and marriage again. [AUGUST 10 2007]

And You Think You're Having a Good Day?
I think this is the best day of my life. Yes...yes, it is. And why, you ask?

Today I brought my own laundry down to the basement for washing and drying, and when it's done, I'll get it back upstairs and on my own bed. All by myself. And today I pulled some weeds in my gardens, and watered my plants and flowers all by myself, and walked to the bathroom. Today I brought Tupperware back to my neighbor's house, all by myself.

I might get to shower standing upright tonight. And I'm going to sweep and mop and dust, and it's not going to take me more than four hours to do so.

Today I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and brushed my teeth and combed my hair. Today I officially put away the full-length mirror that has been sitting by the side of my toilet for the past >2 months.

Today I walked over the ledge between my dining room and kitchen, and didn't have to struggle against the weight of my "scootin' chair" to do so.

This is, beyond question, the very best day EVER. [AUGUST 10 2007]

Toothpaste for Dinner
Have you seen this site yet ? The guy is hilarious. I'm surprised I didn't know about the site until now. [AUGUST 9 2007]

toothpastefordinner.com

Hooray!
The cast came off yesterday---and excluding the ultra hairy legs and dead skin, everything is terrific. I won't be able to walk or put any weight on my foot for at least 3 weeks (I have a boot now), but that's okay as long as I can have some fresh air on my foot and leg. My tan line really makes me laugh.

I've always been ultra self-conscious about my feet, so I can't believe I'm going to post pictures of them, but I think the results are really gonna be good. My foot is still really swollen and fat and big, but that'll go down fast, now that I can ice it. Anyway, please don't tease me about my ugly feet, but here are the befores and afters: [JULY 24 2007]

More Bitching and Moaning
I've had my cast on for exactly 5 weeks today, and it comes off exactly 1 week from today (hooray!). I'll get a boot next Monday, but will still need to use my crutches for another month--hugely depressing. I cry most days, so that's been nice. The worst thing is the crutches, though. I HATE THEM! My cast stinks and is itchy and I can't wait to get the damn thing off. But the worst, by far, is the crutches. Just a pain in the ass. It's exhausting, and hot, and sweaty, and sometimes painful. My hands are sore and callused. My right foot (the good "hopping" foot) has blisters all over. My armpits and shoulders get really sore. Showering takes at least an hour--on a good day. Bitch, bitch, bitch. I also think I've developed an addiction to muscle relaxers---and not for the "muscle relaxing" element, but because they are now the only thing that allows me a full night's sleep.

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO PEOPLE WITH CASTS / CRUTCHES:

• Any references to "gimp," "hop-along," "peg-leg," "lefty / righty," etc.
• "Well that time has gone quick!" when you hear that the cast has been on for ANY length of time. Believe me, it hasn't gone quickly for the person affected. In my case, for example, it feels like it's been about 4-5 years.
• "The time will fly by."
• "What did you DO?" (Note: This didn't bother me, originally, until the 3,879th time I answered. Now I just say, "I kicked my dog too hard.")
• "I've always thought crutches look like fun."

THINGS YOU CAN DO THAT PEOPLE WITH CASTS / CRUTCHES WILL REALLY APPRECIATE:

• Hold doors
• Offer to carry purses / backpacks / beers / etc.
• Walk slowly with them
• If you're a waiter / waitress, sit them at the front of the restaurant--close to the door--so they don't have to walk so far.
• If you're a business owner, put your handicapped parking spaces in convenient--and close to the front door--locations. (You'd be surprised!)
• Do household chores without being asked. My least favorite part about this entire experience (yes, even worse than the crutches) is the sheer number of times I've repeated the words, "please could you...", "thank you," and "I'm sorry."

I really can't believe that I'll be turning around and doing my other foot (my driving foot, to top it off!) in a few short months. I'll do it at the end of September or early October. The thought, to be honest, is a little more than overwhelming. I hate this---very, very much. [JULY 16 2007]

Okay...
It's been 16 days since surgery, and things are going better. I think it's safe to report that the puking has stopped, the throbbing and blood rushes have stopped, and I don't feel too much pain. The armpit bruising has disappeared (my arms and hands are getting strong!).

Now the only problem is that everything is just so damned exhausting. Just a pain in the ass. I get worn out just walking, going to the bathroom, sitting down, breathing, etc. And my cast is heavy, and it itches, and it stinks. I get a new cast tomorrow, since the swelling has gone down a lot and the original cast is now too big for me. So hopefully that'll be a smaller, lighter cast. I'm gonna try to talk my doctor into putting it lower on my leg (right now it's about 2-3 inches below the knee). I'd like it lower on my calf, so if I get another one of those God Awful Leg Cramps (details too painful to recount) I can at least rub/massage the cramp, instead of biting down on towels and screaming.

Otherwise, not a lot is new. Mikey has been the most fantastic boyfriend in the history of civilization, and my neighbors and friends and family have been a huge help to me. So that's good. I'll be using my crutches for another 2 months, and then hopefully I'll have a perfectly good new foot. More later. [JUNE 24 2007]

Ouch
Bleh. Surgery's over. The good news? (1) I survived, and (2) I've got Percoset. Otherwise, this pretty much sucks. It hurts worse than I thought it would---just dull, throbbing, numb, heavy-feeling pain that reverberates each time my heart beats. Walking is tedious, painful, and slow. I don't feel very good. Today I barfed all over my hardwood floors---and poor Mikey (who has been AN ABSOLUTE SAINT this weekend, thank you!!!!)---had to mop it all up, from the floor, my crutches, the loveseat, the end table, etc. The worst part is probably now over, so hopefully it'll get easier and more tolerable from this point forward.

For those of you interested in these sorts of things, here are some photos of my foot so far (and one of my arm, where they couldn't get the IV in...ACK!!!!). The cast gets put on tomorrow---hooray!

[JUNE 10 2007]

Whew!
What a busy, productive weekend. I planted over 40 perennials in my yard, had some areas re-sodded and seeded, cleaned my shed (including sweeping out a dead mouse---eewww!), cleaned my house, organized some piles for GoodWill, finished some final edits / tweaks on my book, and still had time to play Super Mario, RC Pro-Am, and Donkey Kong Classics. (Mike and I went to the game store to replace my game controllers, so I'll have something to do when I'm stuck on the couch and down to one leg.)

I'm tired and sore. And full of complaining. What could be more attractive? [MAY 28 2007]

Again with the Lyrics
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately.
All I have to do is think of me, and I have peace of mind.
I'm tired of looking around rooms wondering what I've got to do, or who I'm supposed to be.
I don't want to be anything other than me. [MAY 23 2007]

Big Update
I decided I'm long overdue for a real update. So here's what's been going on:

Around the House:
In February, my little brother tore down my (rotting) deck. In late March he installed a new paver patio. It looks really nice, and will look even better when I've got plants around the border (coming soon!)

I also planted my garden boxes. This year I'm doing colorful perennials, instead of vegetables. The veggies were a lot of work, and too many of them went to waste! I planted Russian Sage (Longin), Pearl White Carpathian Bellflower (Campanula), Frosty Fire Garden Pinks (Dianthus), and Arizona Sun Blanket Flower (Gaillardia). Can't wait for them to bloom like crazy!

For my 30th birthday, my little brother made a kick-ass potting bench for me. It's so nice, and it looks great on my new patio!

The house and yard are looking pretty good. Things really started blooming in early May! The cherry tree in my front yard is one of my favorite things about living where I do. It smells SO good and looks so pretty!

Passing the Time:

• Mike and I went to a Home & Garden show downtown today. It was okay. I'm lying; it was really boring and stupid. But then we walked over to Brit's and had some beer and spinach/artichoke dip, which was MOST EXCELLENT.
• Until the "foot situation" happened, I'd been walking the dogs A LOT. They love their walks, and I will miss walking them!
• I watch the Twins as often as I can. A couple weeks ago, my boss gave Mikey and me tickets for a Thursday afternoon game. I know it seems somewhat psychotic that I took the middle photograph below, but the dad and son were about the cutest people I've ever seen. The little boy was wearing his (knee-length) Mauer jersey, and he sat like an angel, smiling through the whole game. It was really cute. The Twins won that day, 1-0 in 11 innings. Go Twins!
  
  
  
  
• I've been doing more and more Red Dog work. I like it.
• I do lots of crossword puzzles. In pen.
• I've mowed my lawn 4-5 times already this season. Bought a new mower yesterday, since my last one crapped out.
• Another agent is interested in reading my entire manuscript, based on her reading of my first 30 pages. Nothing to get too excited about, but cool nonetheless. I spend a lot of my free time writing—it's my very favorite hobby—so it'll be really nice when it's also my primary income-producer.

In Other News:
I'm super excited to announce that my little brother bought a house with his long-time girlfriend Lyndsey, who is super. They'll be moving in on May 24, I believe. The house is very nice and cute, and it has a great workshop where Ryan can do lots of work!

The Dogs:
Finny and Lucky are the same as usual. The three photos below capture their typical days: Finny lays around, Lucky runs around, and then both of them rest:

That's all for now. More again soon. [MAY 19 2007]

Blort
My best friend Megan recently taught me the word "blort." I think, at its most essential, it means "shit." So tonight, dear readers, I say "blort."

I spent Monday through Wednesday this week at a convention downtown. Did A LOT of walking. Monday that walking occurred in very uncomfortable shoes. Got home Monday night, and there was a big boney knot on the top of my left foot. Ouch. Or perhaps more accurately, blort.

Long story short, I went to a podiatrist today and learned that I need surgery. ASAP. There are bone chips/fragments (from a previous surgery) floating in my foot. They will break the base of my first metatarsal bone in order to reposition and remove portions of the bone (and, obviously, the existing fragments). Then they'll sew me back up and send me home in a cast. I'll have the cast for at least a month, and will have crutches for 8-10 weeks. Perfect summer scenario, if you ask me. What's even better? When my left foot is healed, my doctor believes that my right foot should be done as well. There are no bone chips in my right foot yet, but it's just a matter of time.

Blort. I have no other words for it. Volunteer dog walkers, lawn mowers, and gardeners are welcome. [MAY 17 2007]

My Own Private Suburban Utopia
There's a Rainbow Foods relatively close to where I live. I've been told to avoid it, but tonight I wanted to save a couple extra driving miles, and I went. I was promptly greeted by two uniformed security guards/cops: one in the parking lot, and one first thing when I entered the store.

All I wanted was black popcorn seeds for my air popper. I checked the popcorn aisle, but all they had was yellow seeds. So I asked one of the (loppy-haired, stoned-looking, sixteen-ish) stock boys, "Do you have more popcorn seeds?"

Him: "Do we have what?"
Me: "Popcorn seeds. You know, like for an air popper. To make popcorn?"
Him: "I've never heard of that. You don't have to do that anymore, though! They make microwave bags now, so all you have to do is put it in the microwave."
Me: "Well, you have seeds down the aisle; they're just the yellow ones. I'm looking for black ones."
Him: [chuckling as if I'm 100 years old] "Never heard of anything like it. Sorry dude."

I drove the extra couple miles to Cub. Honestly, I'll only go to Byerlys or Lunds from now on. [MAY 11 2007]

In the Hizouse
So my very favorite girl Megan came over on Friday night to party with me. We put down about a case of beer and a large Broadway Pizza between the two of us. Super fun. Just like old times, we became the overly emotional drunks, reminiscing about old times. Super fun. Megan reminded me of a story from our junior year of college. We both had an 8:00 a.m. class, so we were up, milling around the apartment scummy and unshowered and crabby. We went to the fridge. There was no pop. So I grabbed a beer. Megan laughed at me, and I said, "What am I supposed to drink---water???" I had forgotten about that story. We drank a lot of beer in college. Lord help us, we drank a lot of beer.

My favorite thing about Megan is that she's known me forever, and she loves me no matter what. I tell her really rotten things about me, and she still thinks I'm the bee's knees. And I think the same for her. Cool girl friends rock.

Mikey came over last night, and we got some things squared away. So that's cool. We're gonna do some camping and canoeing and biking and walking and stuff this summer. Sweet.

Have been getting lots of Red Dog business, which is excellent. Have also been getting more and more Back Road Barns contributions, which is very cool.

Whatever. Nobody cares to read this stupid rambling, so I'll stop. More later. [MAY 6 2007]

Futility
Sometimes I try really hard to do nice things, and it turns out to be completely pointless. My new mantra will be to quit trying to do nice things, and instead focus on simply being a nice person. My second focus will be to completely ignore people who are a negative influence in my life, or who negatively influence my mood. This is not a selfish thing; it is an entirely healthy thing. My problems have always been my own, and now I will allow everyone else's problems to be their own as well. Period. [APRIL 22 2007]

Shhh...
Have you seen these yet? Please print them and distribute as appropriate. I hope they spark a new world order. [APRIL 14 2007]

Some Dirt
Well, I'm officially 30 years old. And that doesn't make me "older than dirt," as so many of you have hastened to point out. It simply makes me older than some dirt, thank you very much.

Had a fun party at the house last weekend. Lots of good people, good drinks, good food. Got to be reunited with Abby (Poco); Steve and Myra brought her over so I could see her again. She is such a good girl, and such a cutehead!

Mike got me the Death of the Dream (Farmhouses in the Heartland) DVD I've been wanting forever. It's a PBS/TPT documentary that I could never find available online. I think he might have had to join PBS to get a copy, unless they recently made it available to the general public. Anyway, I love it!

Dogs are good, house is good, work is good, weather is cold. I sent my manuscript / query letters to 11 more agents today, so hopefully I'll get some decent response sooner than later. Otherwise, not much is new. I'll try to post some party pictures on this site soon, but don't hold your breath. Now that I'm 30, I just can't get things done quite as quickly as I used to. [APRIL 6 2007]

Poco Has Found a Home!
Meet Poco (Spanish for "little"). She's an almost-6-month-old, approximately 15-pound, healthy and happy purebred Cocker Spaniel, and she's found her home! She's AMAZINGLY well-behaved and mellow (if I'm sitting down to relax, all she wants to do is lay with me and relax, too!), and she loves to sit on my lap and cuddle with me. As I sit at my computer now, she's just curled up under my feet, sleeping. She's potty trained as long as she's let outside regularly (6-month-old pups can't hold it for more than 5-6 hours!). She knows how to "sit," and she's the best cuddler ever!

Before Grooming:

After Grooming:

More Funny Pictures
Ever wonder how to get dogs' attention? Broadway Pizza.

Monday
Spent a busy weekend with a new 6-month-old puppy. Abby will be her name, and she is an absolute angel. Myra and Steve will pick her up this weekend, I think. I will miss her—but I'm so glad she's going to my friends' home; I'll be able to see her and visit all the time!

Otherwise, not a lot is new. I got my formal rejection letter for my book—which I was expecting. Oh well, it was a nice letter. Whatever dude. I'm still committed to finding a publisher before year-end. Besides, the book is WAY better now, after my extensive rewrite.

Lucky and Finny are still awesome. Finny's getting groomed tomorrow. I'm getting my hair cut and colored next Monday. My framing order (G-ma and G-pa Davis' wedding photo) is ready to be picked up. This weekend I picked up my taxes, dropped off a bunch of stuff (25+ bags) at GoodWill, and got Abby groomed and all caught up on her shots (plus picked up HeartGard for Finn and Lucks). I've got a busy week of work ahead of me, and I'm tired already. It's only Monday! [MARCH 19 2007]

Compulsion
At work, there are doors that say, "Do not enter when light is red." And I feel an intense compulsion, when the light is red, to open the door. There is another sign on a door that says, "Do not knock." And it takes every ounce of willpower I have not to knock. I wouldn't have even considered knocking, were it not for the sign on the door.

When I see "Wet Paint" signs, I like to touch--just to see if it's true. When I see "Caution! Wet Floor" signs, I like to jog-walk, just a little carelessly, to see if caution is truly necessary. When I see "Slow Children" signs, I always think I'm looking for developmentally disabled kids. [MARCH 12 2007]

Closer to Mid- than Quarter-Life Crisis
Okay, okay...it's not really a crisis. In fact, I'm hardly burdened at all by these thoughts. But I throw them out there, anyway, to see what you think. Please—if you read this (and I know there are at least two of you!)—tell me your thoughts. Here's the predicament:

I sit here—in a metropolitan area I long only to move away from, spending most of my waking hours on jobs that bring me very little satisfaction or stimulation—driving a car much newer and nicer than I need, basically selling my soul for expensive haircuts, cable television, nice dishes, pillow-top mattresses, and high-speed internet service.

This isn't how I predicted my "real life" would be. But it IS my real life, isn't it? I keep planning for that day when I'll begin my "real life," the one I write about and wish for and talk about. But what I neglect to realize is that I have a real life—here and now—that desperately needs focus, too.

I'm not complaining about my life. I've said it a zillion times, and I'll say it again: I have much to be grateful for and happy about. I like my life. In fact, I like it a lot. Things are going really well. But it's not the "authentic" life I predicted I'd live. Some days, I feel like a prostitute. After all, I'm doing "what I have to do to get by," right? I hate to think I've become materialistic, but what else can I call it? I'm collecting items to mask the more deeply-rooted lack of satisfaction I wouldn't be feeling if...

If what? Has my environment done this to me? How do I escape it? [FEBRUARY 28 2007]

Pissy Pissy Piss-Ant
I recognize that I am a very lucky, very blessed woman with--by all accounts--a very charmed life. Recognizing that, however, doesn't stop me from becoming a pissy pissy piss-ant when stupid people act as if no one else exists in the world besides them. Case in point? When you're walking down a hallway in a group of 3, and you're meeting another person coming the opposite way, it would be customary--and very polite!--to say, "excuse me" or to step to the side, allowing the other person through. What is NOT polite is to look straight ahead, avoid eye-contact, and harshly bump shoulders with the innocent passer-by. Honest to God, people. A little common courtesy isn't so much to ask. [FEBRUARY 20 2007]

Other People's Productivity
The best productivity is someone else's productivity. I learned that this weekend, as I lay on the couch drinking beers while my little brother installed new shelves in my bedroom closet, and completely tore down my deck--in preparation for my new patio. Holy cow. He got a lot done, and I didn't have to do anything! That RULES! [FEBRUARY 19 2007]

Phooey
Tax man says I'm gonna owe thousands. Whatever, dude. What makes a stupid CPA so qualified to tell me about my taxes?

Today was pretty productive. Well, I take that back. I did nothing, except work on some freelance stuff and take a candle-lit bubble bath—which was very relaxing. I also played extra hard with my Lucky dog, since today is her 4th birthday. Holy cow—I've had Lucky for almost 3.5 years. Hard to believe. Even harder to believe? Despite being such a HUGE pain in the ass, Lucky becomes more and more lovable to me every day. She's such a little kiss-n-cuddler! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUCKY!

Well, it's 8:12 p.m., and I still gotta finish some freelance stuff. Will write more soon. [FEBRUARY 11 2007]

Taxes, Beer, and Birthdays
I have my tax appointment this afternoon--I shudder at the thought of how many thousands of dollars I'll be paying in this year. Lucky for me, I keep at least $50,000 spare change on hand at all times, so the pinch shouldn't even be noticeable!

I like beer.

I'm gonna be 30 years old pretty soon, and honestly, I'm pretty excited. I won't be having a total semi-mid-life meltdown like my sister did. Everyone says that their 30's and 40's are the best years of their lives, so I'm ready to get mine started! [FEBRUARY 10 2007]

Books
I've set up a new page on my site to track the books I read in 2007. This way I'll be able to remember, for once! You can check it out here (it's not a very full list yet!). [JANUARY 17 2007]

P.S. Rejection
I've sent query letters for my novel to 15 agents. The professionals all tell you to expect less than a 5% success rate for acceptance, so it doesn't bother me that I've received 2 rejections. But today, I received a third rejection that will forever live in the pages of my book acknowledgements, and in all the interviews I give on national radio and television when I'm a best-selling author:

"Dear Jillian, Thanks so much for your query. Unfortunately, I'm not accepting new clients at this time."

Ouch! [JANUARY 8 2007]

Filing Night
I finished up my 2006 filing tonight. VERY productive. Here's what it looked like:

[JANUARY 8 2007]